Hmm, yes, change.

But what can I say? Every word that I hesitantly release can only be distorted into some devilish, deceitful piece of nonsense. Of course there are things I wish I could say to you. I wish I could relate to you all of my distress this past year, and be able to explain everything in full detail. I wish you could know fully that every action I took, though regardless of your blameless beliefs, I took in an attempt to a step towards your benefit, and well-being. I do understand your opinion. get that you are, or were, pissed, confused, upset, indifferent. I understand your decision to discontnue our friendship, even though it was technically discontinued months ago anyway.

My actions were disgraceful. I dishonored you, my family, my God, and myself. In that era, I will truthfully tell you that I was not well. You are a dear friend to me, even still. I pray for you always, I ask God to quicken the healing of your heart. My actions were a result of my falling away from God, not understanding His love, or my parents, of being ill and having such a minimal respect for myself and anyone around me.

I did my best to explain this to you last week. I must have failed, but I am forever gracious that you took the time to hear me out, and did not just slam the door in my face, even though you probably wanted to. I wouldn't blame you.

You told me that it hurt the most because everyone else seemed to know before you. But here it is. I would hope you know of me that I am a very private person. Even the things I want to be able to express, keep themselves buried within me to protect myself, I guess. Austin knew because he was trying to help me. Tam wouldn't let me get away with not telling him what the reason was for our not starting a relationship. Therefore, Tam knew because he was trying to help me to tell you. But it all backfired. Caroline didn't know until recently, either. My family hadn't known. None of my other friends knew. The only reson I told anyone was to receive guidance, more than anything.

With the situation I was in, I needed a friend more than anything. But I knew that you could not offer that to me any longer because the relationship had taken a step further from being platonic. You liked me, and that made our relationship a limbo between friendship and dating relationship, and I viewed that limbo as an inhibitor to my telling you then.

Beforehand, I did consider you a dear friend. But we did not communicate often. I do believe this. Our lives did not intersect at many points. Except at the party. Then things changed from there. So in my perspective, I could never seem to find a place to break it to you. I knew it was something that needed to be said, but please understand that I honestly felt trapped for the entire time. My intentions were never evil, or to hurt anyone. I do feel upset because it seemed to me that our shattered friendship was a joint effort. I tried multiple times to get back on track with you over the summer, but there always seemed to be something that inhibited you. You chose not to speak with me, just as I did not, you. It was something like pride, and miscommunication. I am sorry that I could not prove that I wanted our friendship to continue enough.

Lastly, I want to apologize. I see that you find this letter, my efforts, my apologies and explanations, all mechanisms to provide for myself comfort and a guilt free ride. It is not so. I wronged you, I deserve any and all consequences, as I have done so this past week, and these past six months. I will gladly and thankfully embrace my punishment. I find it as God keeping me accountable, and I should be nothing other than gracious for that. I apologize with everything I have and am. You are truly something else. I miss your humor, your loudness, your playfulness, your diligence, and your faith greatly. If I could go back, I would have changed everything so that you could not have been hurt. You don't deserve the pain. You are a wonderful friend that anyone should feel blessed to have.

Every time I see you in the hallway at school, everything comes back to me, and I feel so weighed down with guilt, regret, nostalgia, and love that it pains me to look at your face. I must turn away because my face must be disgusting to you.

With all the love I have,
Alexandra.

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*Ex-po-zure
=sunsets
=RawEm0tion